BBC’s Resident Presidents: Global Hurricane without Africa

-BBC’s Resident Presidents: Global Hurricane without Africa-
Olushambles and Kibarkingmad, characters on BBC Africa radio’s satirical program, Resident Presidents, discuss the incidences of hurricane around the world, yet none of it is heard of in Africa, as they expect. LinCornellah’s blog followed last Friday’s episode of the program in which a plan was concocted to draw attention to Africa, and brings you a verbatim transcription of the characters’ dialogue below.

Please enjoy its humor.

Olushambles: Left out again, ehn, passed by, Ignored!

Kibarkingmad: What are you talking about, Olushambles?

Olushambles: I am talking about Harvey, Machoze and Maria.

Kibarkingmad: Ehn, (laughs) these are girls who refused to sleep with you?

Olushambles: No oh!

Kibarkingmad: Ooh! Boy!

Olushambles: Don’t be stupid!

Kibarkingmad: What then?

Olushambles: Harvey, Machoze and Maria are a bit obscure, unknown, pathetic little places, like the British Virgin Islands, Barbuda, Simbatelimy, Tortola, Martin, Angina, the Turks and Greeks, the Kates and the Ail Islands. But have they visited anywhere in Africa? No, they haven’t.

Kibarkingmad: Eh, eh, you are losing me oh, chap.

Olushambles: Hurricanes, Kibarkingman, hurricanes. Haven’t you been following the news?

Kibarkingmad: Of course, I follow the news, Olushambles. The Caribbean and parts of, eh, Florida have been devastated, destroyed.

Olushambles: But not Africa.

Kibarkingmad: Surely you don’t want to be hit by a hurricane, Olushambles.

Olushambles: Of course not, but that’s not the point. We are being ignored, passed by. The tiniest Island anywhere in the Caribbean makes front page headlines. Presidents fly in to inspect the damage, and say how sorry they are, aid workers send sympathy and bottle water. Soldiers drop by to repair bridges and restore electricity supplies, but what’s in there for us. Nothing!

Kibarkingmad: That’s because we haven’t been struck by a hurricane.

Olushambles: You’re missing the point, Kibarkingman.

Kibarkingmad: And what is the point, Olushambles?

Olushambles: The point is in the good old days, Africa used to have a monopoly on disasters. If anything really ghastly happened, civil wars, flood, famine, leprosy, ebola, it was guaranteed to happen in Africa. But today disasters are global. No one is fed. Even America gets hit and that fat boy…ehm, what is his name?

Kibarkingmad: King Johngul?

Olushambles: No,no,no, the American fat boy. The one with the red tie and yellow hair.

Kibarkingmad: (laughs) You mean Donald Trump?

Olushambles: Yes! He has to get off his big fat bottom and visit the drowning people of Florida, and promise billions to re-build their homes.

Kibarkingmad: You want him to visit you?

Olushambles: That’s not the point, Kibarkingman.

Kibarkingmad: Well, what is the point exactly, Olushambles?

Olushambles: Kibarkingman, Africa needs a new disaster, and I have a plan.

Kibarkingmad: Oh yes!

Olushambles: It involves a little sacrifice.

Kibarkingmad: A little sacrifice…

Olushambles: You hire a large television crew and go to Victoria Falls.

Kibarkingmad: Victoria Falls…

Olushambles: Stand at the top

Kibarkingmad: Stand at the top…

Olushambles: Announce that you are so upset with the country’s predicament and problems, that you have decided to lay down your life.

Kibarkingmad: Your life!

Olushambles: You hold up a placard saying, “Don’t forget Africa”, and then you jump!

Kibarkingmad: (Holds his breath aloud) Jump?

Olushambles: That would attract the world’s attention. Or, or, maybe not. Perhaps the world wouldn’t give a damn. I mean, obscure African dictator jumps to his death. The fat American and the fat Brit wouldn’t even bother to send their condolences.

Kibarkingmad: Perhaps, ehn, you should go to the Victoria Falls and jump.

Olushambles: Now, that would be a tragedy. That would stir the world into action. Yes, indeed! (laughs). You know, go thinking Kibarkingman. But then, I would be dead, wouldn’t I?

Kibarkingmad: Probably.

Olushambles: And what is the point of that exactly?

  • Linda Ellah

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